Lingerie, My Confidence Killer

lingerie sex sexuality confidence relationship desire romance fail

I love some good, sexy lace as much as the next person, but in my life and relationship, lingerie has been the ultimate confidence killer and the root of my intimate insecurities.

This is definitely a personal and revealing post, and if that makes you uncomfortable, then I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of the page and find a different post to read.

It all starts with this idea that you have to be sexy to feel sexy. Which, in my opinion, should be reversed - feeling sexy should make you sexy!

Anyway, when I got married, I had lots of (let's be honest) older women give me lingerie because I "would need it" or because it "saved" their marriage. So, a few months into our new life and when we settled into our marriage routine, I noticed that we had just stopped having sex altogether. We were busy, the "urgency" and "intensity" of our sexual attraction had completely faded away, and my husband (S) didn't seem to notice it as a problem. 

(I am planning on sharing another post on why the language we use with girls is incorrect and ruining self-esteem in a few weeks, so just bare with me!)

It seemed awfully fast for a sexual "rut" since most people will say that happens after you have kids or after multiple years of marriage. Not just two or three months...

So, one afternoon I planned a romantic evening at home with the help of one of my bridal shower gifts. When I told S my plans, he replied with, "Oh. Well, I am actually going to go play basketball with the guys." Although on almost any other day I would have been completely fine with his afternoon plans, it hurt this time. I was offering myself to my husband in every way that the movies, TV shows, etc. told me to do, and he was turning me down to play basketball... But, I let it roll right off of me because it would just give me more time to get ready, right?

So while he was gone, I showered, shaved, gave myself some Victoria Secret curls, lit some candles, made the bed, etc. I taped a note on the front door letting him know that he would have to come find me and then put a note on our bedroom door with "No Dogs Allowed" so he would really know that this was just "us" time.

I tried my best "seductive" pose and waited patiently for him. 

He walked in, gave me a sweet peck of a kiss, and said, "I'm so sorry, but I'm just so tired." He left me to go take a shower, and in 60 seconds, I went from feeling like Victoria Secret Model to a cockroach wearing a dress.

A week or so went by, and I thought I would try again, maybe put less "work" into it, try to wear something in a different color, be more relaxed, etc. I tried to be a bit more casual about it, so I just came out and sat on the couch next to him while he watched his latest show. Even though ten minutes previously I had been wearing sweats and one of his baggy school sweatshirts, he didn't seem to notice that I was now only in see-through lace. So I tried to obviously shift in my seat, or start a conversation with him. And even though he looked at me several times, and at one point had a lengthy conversation with me, he didn't seem to care or "jump into gear." So I got back in my sweats for the rest of the evening.

Over a few months, I tried every piece of lingerie that I had been given, and even gone out to purchase some myself, and although sometimes he would comment "oh honeeeey" when he saw what I had on, he still didn't rise to the occasion. 

These are the times when all of my personal, sexual, and somewhat superficial insecurities take over. I don't usually have "body issues" or struggle with comparing myself to the magazine covers in check-out lines, but when I put my body on display in the most revealing and intimate way, only to be turned down, every voice in my head screams my inadequacy. 

I must not be curvy enough to pull this off. Maybe if my legs were toned, or my ass was bigger. I must not be sexy enough for my husband. 

After time and again of trying to "be sexy" and getting negative results, I just stopped trying. I stopped trying to be "hot" or "attractive" and in some ways, it was incredibly liberating. But, at the same time, I felt like I was giving up - like I was accepting the fact that I wasn't sexy. I know this sounds crazy, because I wouldn't be writing it down if I didn't think so too! But, I couldn't get out of this mindset. 

If even lingerie couldn't make me sexy, then I must not be sexy. 

All of the smart people will tell you that confidence is the best aphrodisiac, for you and your partner. If lingerie gives you a great confidence boost, then GO FOR IT! For me, at this point in my life, it makes me feel inferior and insignificant. 

There is a whole industry devoted to lingerie, and there are times where I choose to wear it for myself without any expectations from my partner, but I know that as soon as I expect something from my lingerie, it will only disappoint me - for now. I like to wear something special under my "regular" clothes, or slip into something silk at the end of a long day. But I don't think I use it for it's intended purpose. 

(See how I struggle with expectations in this post)

I am now two years into my marriage, and I still do not use lingerie as a way to make me sexy or feel wanted. Until I repair my own self-image and build a healthy relationship with lingerie, I know it won't get me laid.